It’s my birthday…

“I love you”

I can’t even begin to describe how those 3 words hurt me. Over and over and over. I just don’t have the words to explain. Only tears that flush my eyes everytime I hear them.

You were the one who were supposed to restore my faith in those words. You were the one who said you were gonna make it all ok. That you were gonna heal me.

You said “I love you”. I cried and I said I don’t believe you. But I secretly wanted to and was hoping it was true. And all that is has brought me… is worries.

“I love you”, you say, but you can’t make a commitment and tell me when I’m gonna see you again.

“I love you very much”, but you can’t even tell me when we are gonna talk again.

We fight. You leave because you have to. And you don’t call me to make it all okay. You don’t call to make sure that I’m ok. We text. I tell you that I’m not ok. And you don’t call anyway.

It’s been a week…

 

“I want you to be happy” you say. But you can’t even make a commitment to be there on my birthday, and it’s on a f*** SUNDAY!

I have not gone this far in my life without someone by my side, to end up being second priority.

Last time I had someone “special” in my life on that occasion was in 2007, exactly 10 years ago.

I’m not the kind of person who loves big crowds and big parties. I love intimacy. I love hanging out with just a handful of my favorite Looney Toons. Maybe just one if he’s special enough.

Guess I’m just gonna have to get used to the fact that my birthday sucks!

You say you can’t read my mind… but you don’t ask either. You just make assumptions. How are you gonna heal someone if you don’t even know what you’re healing them from ?

Anyway.

Happy Birthday to me, my fucking pride, and my disillusioned Happy Ending fantasies!

 

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From Heaven to Hell

I did it again

I made myself feel sick again

I made myself get filthy, oh yesss

Self-pity is my best friend

 

No, I don’t love you

I made myself go home with you

I let you play with me, oh yesss

I made myself be abused

 

Ohhh don’t I love it, I love it, I love it when

I can hurt myself

Through someone else

It’s like I want it, I want it, I want it then

I don’t, and I go

From Heaven to Hell

 

Guess I need the pain,          oh yesss oh nooo

Guess I need reasons to complain,         oh yesss oh nooo

To make sure my heart’s alive,          oh yesss oh nooo

How to stop this silly game,           oh yesss oh nooo

 

Ohhh don’t I love it, I love it, I love it when

I can hurt myself

Through someone else

It’s like I want it, I want it, I want it then

I don’t, and I go

From Heaven to Hell

I seduce you then I cry

When I can’t hold you back

I know I should enjoy it but

I’m  fucked up, I don’t know why

 

Ohhh don’t I love it, I love it, I love it when

I can hurt myself

Through someone else

It’s like I want it, I want it, I want it then

I don’t, and I go

From Heaven to Hell

Being “myself”

Genuine… what is genuine ? this singing workshop is a big slap in my face!
So many questions spinning around my head…

Be yourself… be natural, use your speaking voice… but am I not all that I do ? all my choices are they not me ? they come from my brain after all
Is my voice not mine when I tweak it here, place it in the back there, and add a rasp or a breath? it does come from my body

Just use your speaking voice… but so many artists sound nothing like when they speak… Adele doesn’t talk with an American accent and a crying rasp, nor did Amy, yet when they let out a growl and pronounce their “r”, no one questions them. And I’m pretty sure Maria Callas didn’t ask to pass the salt around the table with an operatic tone, yet when she sings, although it’s not jazz, everyone connects emotionally, no one doubted that that was her.

Be natural… but… don’t we become what we practice the most ? can’t we change ? can we not work on ourselves and shape ourselves to become what we aspire to ?

Are you saying that I sound like a joke when I open my mouth and don’t sound the same as when I pick up the phone ? Ok, I am brilliant at making fun of myself but I don’t aspire to be a parody, for some strange masochistic reasons I keep rejecting what I am good at in life, to pursue the things I can’t seem to have.
Do I need to work on “being myself” – whatever that means – and sing you lullabies, or just practice more and conquer every dimension of my voice so that I am so committed and confident with my choices of styling that no one will dare to doubt me?
I can’t answer that question…

I know I need to go through this, these are all fricking amazing teachers, this is for my good but it hurts… Listening to Brel, he understands… they all thought he was a joke until… I don’t drink so he will be my wine bottle for tonight, a replay for another glass…
Keep drowning me with your words, keep pouring them onto me, and maybe just maybe, I’ll sip some of your courage, Brel, to continue believing just like you did.
I just want to let go of it all, just… let me be

Easiest deep dish pizza recipe e-v-e-r !

When you are an artist, your creativity knows no limits, it overflows to all areas of your life.
Perhaps I should one day attend a culinary class ’cause let’s face it, I really don’t know what I’m doing when I open the spice cabinet. So I usually stick to the basics (salt’n’peppa) plus some safe bet (cajun seasoning mix).

I don’t waste my time figuring out a name for something new I’m doing, I consult my taste buds after to see if it deserves one.

This time, it came as a big surprise : I impressed someone else so much with this totally improvised pizza experiment, that this person made a special order for another one a month later, apparently vividly remembering how exquisitely she enjoyed it the first time (kind of like a catchy chorus that’s stuck in your head lol). What I like about this particular instance, is that, to be honest, I didn’t put a ton of effort into it. No, it was nothing like my weird creations throwing maple syrup, mustard and/or peanut butter in the pan. In fact, this recipe is so fricking simple, it’ll make you choke!

And I’ll happily share my luck with you, so here is my random recipe for a DEEP DISH HOME MADE PIZZA.

Winning team of ingredients :

nice big flat focaccia bread (reads olive oil in the composition, can include even olives inside, whatever appeals to you)
marinara sauce (a.k.a spaghetti sauce)
salt, pepper, Italian seasoning (+ crushed red peppers for the fire aficionados)
toppings such as chopped onions, fresh tomatoes, olives, ham, chopped green pepper… random clearance items in your fridge
cheese (I use Swiss, but American mozzarella works)

Your 9 ridiculously easy-cheasy steps :

1. Turn the oven on at around 360°F, I promise you’ll be done before it beeps.
2. Sprinkle a few drops of olive oil in the bottom of an oven platter, cut the focaccia bread in half along the length and lay flat.
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3. Spread some marinara on top. Be generous with your layer as part of it will get absorbed into the bread.
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4. Season with some salt (very lightly – remember your marinara already contains some), black pepper, Italian seasonings (you can be generous with that), and other optional additions (crushed red peppers).
5. Decorate tastefully with the toppings of your choosing. You can also save some of the black pepper and Italian seasonings to put on top of your veggies.
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6. Cover up with a reliable layer of cheese.
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7. Stick in the oven for about 15-20min.
8. When the cheese has completely melted and the bread has become a little crusty, turn bake off, and broil on normal or low so your cheese gets crusty too. This should only take a few minutes so don’t go anywhere so you don’t end up with a blackened version or a pizza on fire.
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9. Take out of the oven, let it cool down a little bit, and LET YOUR TEETH SINK INTO A NICE CRUSTY BITE!
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Now you tell me… how hard was that ? What toppings and variations did you come up with ? Did you get a special “thank you” from your kids, roommates, lover, dog ?

Become a touring artist – Plan B

So… Plan A didn’t work out that well… (as a reminder, plan A was to stumble upon Cinderella’s Godmother, who would wave her magic wand over my face and bring out the best of me instantly for the world to see)
So I guess I gotta come down to moving on to Plan B.

In Plan B, I’m setting out for myself to start playing out live, even though I am a terribly clumsy musician and quite an odd singer.
So what!… When I decided that nothing could hold me back, I meant not even my clumsiness, nor my lingering shyness. And by writing it down here, publicly displayed, I better stand up to my plan. That’s how you majestically kick yourself in the butt.
So… playing out live this summer, hu! Well, gotta put some songs together, gotta practice.

Playing out starts by playing on your front porch. Nooo she didn’t… Oh yes I did.
I also pulled out my guitar outside of Kroger, at a random isolated street corner, and at a bus stop.
What would be even better is if my own songs were finished so I could play those, but hey, sometimes in life you just can’t get everything in the order you wanted.

And of course keep on co-writing, networking, workshops, events, etc.

Gonna keep you posted on how Plan B is coming along. After a few more Krogers, I should be heading out to an open mic night. If you out there reading this have experienced starting out playing out, I would love to hear about your advice.

It’s a Filthy World

The world is so filthy I could spend my life in a bath tub
Friendship is a political game, a networking strategy to turn yourself into a hub
People don’t care, people don’t give, people don’t give a shit

I’m out of fresh air, I can’t breathe, this cloud is intoxicating
It doesn’t matter if the values of mutual respect have been buried under our feet
It’s about leadership, power, conquering those who surrender, those who do not want to fight
The addiction of feeling needed, the addiction of expanding your territory at the expense of others

The world is so filthy I could peel my skin off and still feel dirty
Every word is like a poison, an illusion, a drug with momentary relief
People don’t care about deep loving bonds, they just want to dominate, render you dependent

Thank you !

Thank you so much…

Without your jealousy, your words, you telling me that I’m stupid and incapable and unworthy, I would have never been able to gather my courage and fly away and escape into a life of solitude like I did.

Without you telling me that I’m fat and ugly and that no one would ever want me, I would have never ended up in abusive arms that pushed me to become the person incapable of loving blindly I am.

And without your hate, daily humiliation, abuse, you making fun of every step I took and every word I said, I wouldn’t be fighting for survival and fighting against oppression of the minority, the unheard, the misunderstood, the revolutionary thinkers.

You made my life so much more interesting.

You telling me that I will never make it, that I don’t have a talent, that I can’t sing… well guess what.

It doesn’t matter if I can’t sing because these words are mine, and this voice is mine, and that’s all that matters. No they don’t care about your obsessive absolute pitches, yes I got sh*t tons of truths to say.

You were never able to say you’re sorry, you just said it’s all over and now you can only be a better person, but even if it didn’t change what I feel in my heart, a ‘sorry’ is the least I expected and you’re a coward for not being able to utter one!

Tic tac toc

Le temps passe sournoisement.
J’essaye en vain de transformer mes larmes en notes.
Plus le temps passe, plus les souvenirs s’engouffrent au plus profond de mon antre.
La tempête a laissé place à un brouillard épais et dense. Je ne distingue plus rien, je ne vois plus mes pieds, je m’enfonce dans ce monde qui m’englouttit.
Je ne suis plus que l’ombre d’un doute. Oui, le temps passe. Tout se mélange, tout s’entrelace.
Des bancs d’écoles aux bancs des rues. Ne laisse pas la vie t’avaler tout cru.
Je tente de lire entre les lignes. Je contemple mon reflet dans ma guitare. Je lui demande “sais-tu seulement ce que tu veux dire?”
Oui, je veux dire que la victoire n’appartient pas à ceux qui blessent par manque de connaissance de soi, par fierté, par domination, par égoïsme, par monopole, par jalousie.
Je veux dire qu’on peut être soi-même et être apprécié et respecté.
Je veux dire que même si la vie est loin d’être un conte de fée et qu’on t’a assomé de mensonges, et bien on peut quand même construire quelque chose de magnifique et s’élever au-dessus des nuages, snober la pluie, les éclairs n’atteignent pas ceux qui ont trouvé le calme neutre dans la sagesse, la connaissance du monde, l’acceptation de soi.
Comment donner quand on m’a tant volé?
Les jours s’écoulent, toujours les mêmes, donner, aider, contre l’argent qui permet de vivre et profiter de ce que le monde a à offrir.
Je me pensais dotée de 1001 choses à réaliser. Parmi elles, changer le monde oui mais par où commencer.
A l’aveugle, à l’inconnu, téméraire je me suis lancée.
Je suis peut-être en perte de vitesse mais je ne compte pas m’arrêter!

8 best ways of wasting your time creatively

I am a professional time-waster. Everyone knows that about me. Time is something I have yet to grasp. It’s like I do not have an internal clock (and maybe that’s why I don’t grow up :p) So, since I have become so efficient at wasting my time, I thought I’d share my tips and tricks to have you benefit from my lifetime experience. I won’t lie, it was pretty hard to narrow it down to 8 but here is a selection of my all-time favorites.

#1. Procrastinate as much as you can the things that are meaningful to you because you fear not standing up to your high expectations of yourself. One essential rule is: focusing on details rather than on the bigger picture will ensure you never get anything done! So start and cram each and every day with doing the most futile things; one example being sowing the holes in your socks and underwear. You know it is not logical to do so, 1- they are pretty well-worn and will tear apart again surely the next time you put them on, and 2- you could just grab some new ones for less than 5 bucks next time you go shopping. The time that you spend on repairing should be more valuable to you than 5 miserable dollars, but remember you have this strange attachment to the familiar objects you own, plus there are some things in your upbringing that are just hard to fight.

#2. Stare in the distance, in a quasi-paralyzed position (sitting, standing, lying down, it doesn’t really matter), and launch your mind into a circular train of thought. By circular, I mean you ask yourself a question concerning for instance a societal problem, then you explain it to yourself with a no-solution open-ended answer, raising another societal issue that ties into the first one. Basically short circuit yourself. A labyrinthine train of thought works too, engage in thoughts that systematically hit dead ends.
From the outside, you’re gonna look like you just had a system bug. People might think you’re a little weird. Personally you have come to the conclusion that you’re a little autistic, but you can remain in disguise as you have the ability to communicate somewhat like a neurotypical.

#3. Did you know you can actually waste time by trying to save time? This is an interesting discovery. For instance, you try a shortcut on the road but then you end up in a zone 30 stuck behind local traffic or even better, you get lost! Either way you end up getting to your destination later. I like using this one because, past the wrong turn, it doesn’t only depend on you and can be indeed full of surprises.

#4. People have great classic time-wasters, like smoking cigarettes, playing online games, biting their nails… but I like to get original with my time-wasting. For instance, instead of biting my nails, I have moved to peeling the chaps off my lips. Now this one is for advanced candidates, you have to get skilled at doing this without making your lips bleed, otherwise it’s over, you come back to reality (grab a tissue, go wash your hands, clean the mess…). I recommend starting with another one for beginners, granted you have long enough hair. Take a strand of hair and a pair of scissors, and start cutting off split ends, hair by hair of course. Repeat process with a new strand of hair. You will be amazed at the time-sucking potential of this silly activity!

#5. Ok now a little more common one : still while you’re procrastinating, focus on your stomach and feeling psychosomatic hunger. Go then to the kitchen, open the fridge, the cabinets, cereal boxes, grab a piece of this and a piece of that, anything that can be consumed immediately, by hand or with a spoon, fork, etc. Once you feel bad and decide that that’s enough, go back to your room. Then, as soon as you sit down, pour into self-indulgence again, and repeat the process from the top. If you repeat it many times enough, you could actually take it to the next level and go make yourself throw up in the bathroom, which will total into some additional wasted precious minutes.

#6. Link-surf on Wikipedia, click on random names that sound interesting and/or funny, click on complicated words, concepts, things that belong into the realm of academia, e.g. ‘morpheme’, ‘Guaguancó’, ‘Cryptographic nonce’, etc. The complex terms is a great option. First, you most likely will have to read every sentence at least twice because it’s academia-lingo stuff that requires some prerequisites and prior readings. Second, for the same reason as above, you will find plenty of other new complicated terminology to click on so you can understand the first one in the first place. And then finally and most importantly, this is an inexhaustible source of time-wasting: chances are you will be clicking on the same words again and again the next time they come around because you forgot what they meant, if you ever did in the first place.
Variation on the same theme : link-surfing on Youtube, a wonderful resource of ludicrous time-consuming videos.

#7. If you feel really bad at this point, resolve to doing something that gives you an illusionary sense of productivity… like cleaning your computer. Start sorting out the 4000+ emails in your inbox, try organizing your folders and backups, deleting unnecessary copies of files that you have here in there from the last time you did something shady to your system and backed up frantically by fear of data loss. There is a treasure gold well of possibilities here to let the time fly by, you can literally waste days, and even entire weeks doing this instead of real productive things coming home after your full-time job. For example, start renaming the files in your music library one way (e.g. delete everything but the title of the song in the file’s name), then change your mind somewhere down the road and go back to renaming from the top (e.g. go back and add the number of the track at the beginning so the files follow the track order of the album in the folder). Reiterate at your whim (e.g. decide you want to capitalize each letter of the song’s title, or even better, check online how the track names appear on the backside of the album). NB : constantly questioning your own decisions and changing your mind works with all other things as well.

#8. Take your time in the bathroom (my favorite place to waste time), you do not have to get up when you’re done… instead you can play solitary card games on your iPod, check the local temperatures in Beijing, or grab the nail-clipper. Once you’re done with your nails, start trimming the dead skins around your nails. Once you’re done with that, take your socks off and repeat with your toes. Also, you do not have to be doing anything, you can just be thinking to yourself with time-waster #2 above. A good rule-of-thumb to know if you’ve been there long enough is when you feel pins and needles in your legs. Now be careful in the bathroom because there is a trap: for some bizarre reasons that conjure in that environment, you might actually end up having productive thoughts like making up a list of your favorite time-wasters to post online.

Naturally you can combine all of these tricks, mix them up at your will, experiment with variations, etc.
Interestingly enough, I do not like when others waste my time. I like to be fully responsible and hold some control over my time-wasting.
Hope this was helpful, you might have learned something from me, or I might just have wasted your time.

Now how about you ? What’s your personal favorite time-waster ?

A little math : I was born too square for a world too round

I was born too square for a world too round.

The world has been eroded over time by a wind of rules spinning around it for such a long time that they do not have to make sense anymore, they have shaped the world.

I thought, in theory, why should the world change me, and went on ignoring the fact that I didn’t conform. That didn’t work too well as I ended up living beside the world.

So I tried to cut off the corners of my personality, and ended up as a random octagon. I can kind of cram into the space now, at least I can fool them I fit… for a little while… long enough to stay alive…
But do I still know who I am ?

I am still square, and the world is still round, we coexist but mathematically we don’t have a lot of attributes in common, we’re not friends, and might never be.
I understand better now why the world is round but the world and I, we both don’t understand why was I square in the first place, and that is a problem that might never be solved.